#100

gosh...what do i write about? i want to spill my guts about a lot of things, but i seriously don't know what or how to say it all. hmm...

i had an awesome weekend. i got to hang out with some of my friends friday. i went to an incredible outreach at the baton rouge dream center saturday, i also got to see one of my friends perform a ballet at singles ministry that night. (she is a cancer survivor and they shared her testimony at tgis). it was really cool. (she was so beautiful up there:) sunday night i went to hang out with jordan, miss paula, julia, and ashlyn at their house. (they rented hoodwinked...lol.-let's just say it was a little goofy. lol. so we watched rv instead. :) haha. last night we had enthralled life group...which was awesome, too. sarah and leah taught about setting standards for parties and drinking. and i brought 9 individual pints of blue bell ice cream for the snack. lol. soon there's going to be a rise in obesity at refuge. :D jk. and today...

well...i went to prayer at the annex. the chairs were all cleared out and it was just empty in the sanctuary and everyone left a few minutes after i got there, so it was basically just me and God. (someone may have been there in the office...idk) anyway...it was like the coolest thing. i was completely alone in God's presence.
yet something was holding me back. lately my thoughts have been going in circles and i get so distracted with life's situations. i over analyze everything and i worry myself to death about how my words are perceived (because i basically botch everything i say. lol) so anyway...i just kept worrying about this situation and that...and i began to get overwhelmed with jobs i had to do...it was like a spirit of distraction and uneasiness had come over me. so i started to journal and read my Bible...and i read something in 1 peter (1:13) that said to "THINK CLEARLY and exercise self-control"! wow! so that was cool and it helped a lot. but i still kept feeling uneasy about something...then i realized what it was...

i'm homesick! my spirit is longing for Heaven. that's what my problem is.
i know i sound like a weirdo but seriously...my soul just aches for the eternity that i get to spend with God. i know that the Bible says not to become impatient for Heaven and that we are on earth for a purpose. i know that i have a purpose on this earth...and i really really want to work so much harder to fulfill that purpose. God is continuing to convict me about the time that i waste with making careless mistakes and about the time i waste with not thinking clearly. i seriously want to be in God's presence everyday! i want to live it out. nothing else matters. no matter what happens in my life...no matter what i do or what i go through...God is my strength. He stabilizes me. He has my life in His control. i will keep my hands open...clenching nothing but Him. He has blessed me with so much, but my hands are still open. i hold on to nothing but Him. and i look forward to the day when Jesus comes to get me! i can't wait to see His glory! i really can't. i just pray that i will live in fear of God and of His judgement. i want to bring Him honor in everything i do...so that i can stand blameless before Him when He judges us. i want to let my life just be a small piece of what Heaven is like. i want everyone to know God's love so that they can be in His presence forever too. how could i ever waste time?! the more time i waste the less others will see God's glory and the less people will know Him and the less crowns i get to put at Jesus' feet in Heaven. i'm really so sick of myself. i want God to consume me completely! kill me! i don't want to live anymore but i want God to just dwell through me. i really want to make a difference in this world! i am so homesick. i just want to be with God. i pray that i can think clearly and that i show God's love to everyone i encounter.

God is all that matters. He is everything. i don't have anything else to say except that God is all!

i'm sorry if i sound like i'm out of my mind. it's just a longing that God puts in everyone's heart and lately it's just been really strong in mine. i've just got to keep my desires level with the practical things of everyday living. so yeah...

i spilled my guts. lol.

...refuge is tomorrow!!...
YAY!